Zen

I am finding my zen. In my bathtub, diffusing some hippie oils, listening to the kind of music they play while you do yoga. You know, the kind with the wooden pipes and nature sounds. Zen. I am pretty sure it's out there and I am pretty damned determined to find it. Every day I tell people how this pregnancy is better than the last-and this is true-but it still sucks eggs most of the time. "Better" is really relative and at the risk of being super non zen, I still hate being pregnant. So here I am. In the bath. Listening to my granola music. Waiting to not hate it quite as much. Daily I tell myself "I only hate what's happening, I do not hate my life." And it works (most of the time) but I am still counting the seconds until I have this little girl in my arms and out of my body. Let me tell you, I have a lot of seconds to go. But I also have a lot of seconds to love and be grateful for. Every laugh, smile, hug, and milestone my son experiences keep me here on this earth. I live for his wild golden locks and hearing him say "mama". So as I seek my zen, I am reminded of how worth it my life is. How sometimes things suck, but those moments can never overtake my husband tirelessly serving me, and my baby boy endlessly loving me, by being surrounded by love and goodness. The horrible times cannot consume the Hope my future holds. And there inlies my zen. Now to just hold on.