Joy

Joy is a very abstract concept to me. Can I have joy even when I am depressed? Is joy different than happiness? Can I control wether or not I experience joy? These are all questions I ask myself over and over again. Living with mental illness makes the answers to these ever burning questions very vague and inconsistent. It was recently suggested to me on the grounds of religion that people are rewarded with joy for their righteous behavior-therefore deeming  those who are not or cannot experience joy sinners. This conversation frustrated me on a very deep cultural and spiritual level. Emotions are not rewards or punishments handed out by God based upon ones level of righteousness. Gods love is not contingent upon the ability to feel joy, because God's love is not contingent upon anything. He loves every one of his children equally and indiscriminately, saints and sinners alike. Many of my friends and family members who do not subscribe to my faith are some of the happiest most joyful people I know. Many of my devoutly religious friends and family members are equally as joyful. Many of my friends and family members, including myself often experience the lack of joy that comes with depression, anxiety, and stress  even when they are living the best life they can. So this brings me to my persistent questions regarding the matter: Can I have joy even when I am depressed? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Depending on the level of depression (or really any condition that makes positive emotions difficult to access), joy can be felt and varying degrees and sometimes not at all. In no way is this a reflection of my self worth. Lacking the right balance of chemicals in my brain is not a reflection of my self worth because I am not broken-I am human. So is joy different than happiness? If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? You tell me. Sometimes I do not feel happy but my son's smile will make my heart sing. Sometimes I feel "happy" or content but have difficulty accessing the brighter feeling of joy. Please see my previous statement about my self worth. Finally, can I control wether or not I experience joy? Often I am told to "choose joy" over sadness, depression, anxiety, chronic illness, stress, and so on. Unfortunately joy is not always a choice to make when the falliabilitie of mortality is in play. I can choose to take care of myself. I can choose to take my medications every day, and go to therapy. I can choose to pray and attend church and serve others. I can choose be patient and kind to my husband. I can choose to make an effort to be a good person. I can choose to love myself. And I can choose to do these thing even when they don't magically take away my mental and physical illness. Above l else, I choose to believe that God loves me and blesses my life in times of sadness, apathy, loneliness, self doubt, and frustration just as much as he blesses me in times of peace, comfort and confidence. Mental illness does not make me broken. It does not make me a sinner. It does not make me less than someone who does not experience mental illness. Actually, it does not make me anything at all. I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father. I am a wife. A daughter. A mother. A friend. A survivor. A human being. These are the things which make the worth of my soul great in the sight of God. And knowing these things gives me deep rooted and everlasting joy-even when I can't feel it, I can always remember that it is there waiting patiently for me.

Hashtag Mom Life

Before I became a mother I heard whispers and myths of "mommy wars" and "sanctimommies", stories I would always write off believing that moms don't actually have enough time or energy to judge one another on their parenting choices. Well surprise! Maybe I was wrong. It seems at every turn there is another mother professing how her methods are the best and only true methods, leaving me feeling inadequate and less than. How could I possibly have a pinterest perfect home, rock hard abs, and organically breastfed baby when most of the time I am really just trying to keep it together for long enough to pick up my groceries that I ordered online because shopping in the store is literally too much effort.  But as I sit here writing this while my 3 month old sucks on a toy across the room, I realize that the only person who can make me feel inadequate is me. So what if I barely survived my pregnancy, begged for an epidural, had an emergency c-section, wasn't able to breastfeed my baby, let him watch TV while I take a shower, and don't teach him baby sign language? So what if you do? It does not make you or I any less or more of a mother. It does not mean that I don't try hard enough or believe in myself enough, and it doesn't mean that someone who can do all of those things is better than me. I am my own worst enemy here. I am the one who sees someone else's perfect instagram photos and judges myself for not being as good as that person. So really are "mommy wars" an actual thing or are they something that we create within ourselves? As women, we are so quick to see another's accomplishments as our own failures but these are lies that we tell ourselves. We have the power to be accepting and even admiring of the choices that others make without discounting our own choices and abilities. I am proud of the decisions I make each day in raising my boy. Most of the time I am making it all up as I go, but I am glad that I can do that. I am so glad that my worth is not based upon how many dishes are in my sink or how beautiful I think that labor is not. Discovering my worth in the eyes of my son who loves me unconditionally has helped me to realize it myself. I am his mother, and that makes me good enough.