Wombs and Womanhood

“You are going to need a hysterectomy in the next 5 years.” I had a feeling those words were coming, but hearing them was deafening. We had already had the “it’s unsafe for you to carry anymore pregnancies” and “a tubal ligation is permanent sterilization” conversations, so the word hysterectomy shouldn’t have felt so much like a gut punch. But it did. I started my period when I was ten. I remember sitting in a human growth and development lesson in 5th grade and the teacher was reading anonymous questions from note cards all about periods, and breasts, and armpit sweat. Someone asked if periods hurt. The teacher said no. I asked why she would lie. I never got an answer. Painful, intense, frequent periods have been my reality for over half of my life. So here I am, a month away from 25 grasping at straws and going over the very few last options with my doctor to try and keep my uterus for as long as possible. I’ve been given a preliminary diagnosis of adenomyosis, a condition in which the endometrial lining of the uterus grows into and infiltrates the muscle of the uterus. This condition can be extremely painful, which explains so much of my life (let me just tell you, it feels so great to finally have an answer that doesn’t involve “maybe it’s in your head”). This in combination with the conditions I experience during pregnancy, as well as endometriosis, and polycyclic ovarian syndrome, will facilitate the need of a hysterectomy as the only form of relief and treatment. But here I am, a month away from 25 figuring out how to say goodbye to the piece of my body that housed my three babies, the part of me that makes me a “woman of childbearing years”, before I turn 30. Possibly before I even turn 26. How can I feel so attached to an organ that for so many years has caused me pain, sickness, and heartache? I know that my ability as a woman isn’t defined by my womb or my child bearing abilities, but somehow giving that up seems harder than I ever could have imagined. It almost feels like a cruel joke considering how fertile I am-how easily I can make babies, but how impossible it is for my body to carry them. My eyes fill up with tears of misplaced guilt just thinking about it. And the tears will continue to flow this week as I take the first step in fighting back against my hostile uterus. An endometrial ablation. A bandaid, without even a promise of improvement, to hold my body over until I am in a better position for major surgery. So with this I will continue to promise myself that what makes me a woman is not this defiant organ, but my kindness, bravery, nurturing heart, motherly love, intellect, intuition, tenacity, femininity, and resilience. I am made a woman by being a daughter, sister, mother, wife, and friend-not my body. I can still embody all that the womb symbolizes, even without a functioning one. Even so, I will mourn this piece of my story. I will, however, do so with the hope and prayer that it will improve my quality of life. That by taking away this symbol of motherhood, I will actually become a more able one. The hope of being able to enjoy my time with my little people without pain and illness is what drives me towards this frightening reality. And like a true woman, I will face this, conquer it, and have dinner on the table by 6. Just kidding about the dinner part. 

Seeking Advise

I have been having a pretty hard time lately (the last two years 🤷🏻‍♀️) and have been really beating myself up for it. I need to write and post Hope’s birth story but can’t keep my emotions together long enough to actually type it out. I need to start exercising so I can lose this baby weight because I’m bigger than I’ve ever been in my life, but I can barely work up enough energy to keep three people alive every day. I need to do better at keeping my house tidy, but again with the energy and then I have a baby constantly attached to me and a toddler demanding constant attention. I need to play and interact with that toddler more often throughout the day and especially work on his speech, but there’s the energy thing, and the attached infant thing, and the trying to keep my house clean thing, and trying to keep my emotions together, and thinking about how I’m not exercising. If you give a mouse a cookie (if you give a mom a reason to feel bad about herself?). What I really need to do is start loving myself, but sometimes it is just so damn hard. So, moms of the internet how do you do it? How do you let go of what you aren’t succeeding at and focus on the good you are doing? What are your positive affirmations and self love techniques? How do you reassure yourself that you aren’t screwing up your kids for life? Teach me how to just be ok and be present. Help me to make a change.