Joy

Joy is a very abstract concept to me. Can I have joy even when I am depressed? Is joy different than happiness? Can I control wether or not I experience joy? These are all questions I ask myself over and over again. Living with mental illness makes the answers to these ever burning questions very vague and inconsistent. It was recently suggested to me on the grounds of religion that people are rewarded with joy for their righteous behavior-therefore deeming  those who are not or cannot experience joy sinners. This conversation frustrated me on a very deep cultural and spiritual level. Emotions are not rewards or punishments handed out by God based upon ones level of righteousness. Gods love is not contingent upon the ability to feel joy, because God's love is not contingent upon anything. He loves every one of his children equally and indiscriminately, saints and sinners alike. Many of my friends and family members who do not subscribe to my faith are some of the happiest most joyful people I know. Many of my devoutly religious friends and family members are equally as joyful. Many of my friends and family members, including myself often experience the lack of joy that comes with depression, anxiety, and stress  even when they are living the best life they can. So this brings me to my persistent questions regarding the matter: Can I have joy even when I am depressed? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Depending on the level of depression (or really any condition that makes positive emotions difficult to access), joy can be felt and varying degrees and sometimes not at all. In no way is this a reflection of my self worth. Lacking the right balance of chemicals in my brain is not a reflection of my self worth because I am not broken-I am human. So is joy different than happiness? If a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? You tell me. Sometimes I do not feel happy but my son's smile will make my heart sing. Sometimes I feel "happy" or content but have difficulty accessing the brighter feeling of joy. Please see my previous statement about my self worth. Finally, can I control wether or not I experience joy? Often I am told to "choose joy" over sadness, depression, anxiety, chronic illness, stress, and so on. Unfortunately joy is not always a choice to make when the falliabilitie of mortality is in play. I can choose to take care of myself. I can choose to take my medications every day, and go to therapy. I can choose to pray and attend church and serve others. I can choose be patient and kind to my husband. I can choose to make an effort to be a good person. I can choose to love myself. And I can choose to do these thing even when they don't magically take away my mental and physical illness. Above l else, I choose to believe that God loves me and blesses my life in times of sadness, apathy, loneliness, self doubt, and frustration just as much as he blesses me in times of peace, comfort and confidence. Mental illness does not make me broken. It does not make me a sinner. It does not make me less than someone who does not experience mental illness. Actually, it does not make me anything at all. I am a child of a loving Heavenly Father. I am a wife. A daughter. A mother. A friend. A survivor. A human being. These are the things which make the worth of my soul great in the sight of God. And knowing these things gives me deep rooted and everlasting joy-even when I can't feel it, I can always remember that it is there waiting patiently for me.